Dear Isla.
It seems silly to think that I could possibly convey everything that I want to say to you in the confines of this space. There are 12 whole months worth of memories, feelings, and belly laughs that I never want to forget. Your first year of life. My first year of being a mother – a title I proudly wear. Wasn’t it yesterday that we so carefully drove home from the hospital on the most gorgeous fall day? You wore the most precious onesie with flowers with matching sweatpants that we picked out just weeks before. Wasn’t it just last month that we would fall asleep while watching our daily dose of ‘Ellen’ and waited for Daddy to come home from work? And why does it feel like just weeks ago that I spent an embarrassing amount of time researching the best baby food maker so that I could make all of your food (I was an overly-ambitious new mom).
Of course – we had hard days. Some of them were the hardest I’ve ever experienced. Our breastfeeding journey was anything but easy and your reflux made it that much tougher- but we did it. The dreaded ‘4 month sleep regression’ showed me exhaustion that I didn’t know was possible – but we navigated it. And how could we forget the global pandemic? We’re still finding our way through the uncertainty of that one – but you are our light during it. Lately, I find myself wishing you would nurse just one more time. Wishing you would need me to rock you back to sleep in the middle of the night just a little more often. Little did I know at the time that I’d be yearning for one of those ‘hard days’ to come around again.
Oh my sweet girl what a personality you have. Your favorite things to do include ‘cheers’ with your Elmo water cup, playing with your sweet finger puppets, chasing after our pup, Whiskey, and above all else – eating more pancakes than any adult could take down in one sitting. It’s an understatement when I say that I truly enjoy watching you grow, learn, and evolve every single day. I never knew I could be SO proud of someone for clapping their hands or holding a soon! Despite the crazy year it has been, I thank God that it has at least given us the chance to be home with you more often and witness all of your ‘firsts’. We find ourselves running to be the one to get you from your crib in the morning because the feeling we get from seeing you smile when we walk in is like nothing else. While I certainly miss those snuggly newborn days, your quickly-approaching toddler days are SO much fun. I think one of my favorite days of this year involved a recent breakfast disco dance party in the kitchen with your Daddy (naturally the menu that morning was pancakes).
You are our whole world, Isla Grace and I cherish this time, though I know is temporary, that we are yours.
We have a saying in our family that goes ‘I love you so much my heart hurts’. It’s usually playfully used to describe the way that we feel about the babies and not-so-babies-anymore in the family. I thought I understood what it meant but until I had you I had no idea. The first time I understood is when I first saw you (after 36 hours of labor I might add) and said to Daddy – ‘She’s all ours’. This kind of love is an overwhelming, all consuming kind of love. One that I realize how lucky I am to be able to experience. I will spend the rest of my life making sure you feel safe, respected, and happy – even if that means watching our 17th episode of Sesame Street that day or making that extra pancake. Happiest of 1st birthdays my sweet girl. Thank you for making me a mama.
“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one knows what my heart sounds like from the inside”
